Assuming John McCain decides to show up for the presidential debate, it will take place tomorrow night at the University of Mississippi. (For the record, we think there are people out there who deserve to use delay tactics way more than McCain does. This guy, for example.)
But whenever the debate takes place, you're gonna need some sort of drinking game. The key to this one is to take a shot of Everclear and then do each of the following:
* Everytime a candidate mentions September 11th, prank-call Rudy Giuliani.
* Every time a candidate mentions the Arctic Wildlife Refuge, plunge a turkey baster into your ice cube tray.
* Every time a candidate promises to bring back blue collar jobs, call your customer service rep in Bangalore.
* Every time a candidate says "folks," threaten to foreclose on an Iowa farm unless the farmer's daughter "cooperates."
* Every time Barack Obama mentions his tax cuts for the middle class, gift-wrap a box of poo for your rich uncle.
* Every time McCain says "friends," call Lindsey Graham and say "I think he's talking about you!"
* Every time Obama pauses before the predicate of a sentence, go watch Star Trek: The Original Series to see how a pro does it.
* Every time Jim Lehrer says something boring, send yourself a "Celtic Thunder" tote bag.
* Every time McCain mentions "the Surge," drink a Red Bull. Every time he mentions "Red Bull," drink a Surge.
* Every time Obama strings together at least three fuzzy, liberal platitudes, cue up the episode of The West Wing where Mrs. Landingham dies.
* Every time McCain refers to his running mate, stand up, face Russia and finish whatever bottle is in front of you.